Top Ten Ways to Beat the Recession
Sound Financial Advice (or Maybe Just Sounding Off)
BY JUSTIN CASE
Times are tough, there’s no doubt about it. With the country and the whole word sliding into recession (that’s the best case scenario), banks are failing, folks are selling pencils from tin cups on street corners, investment bankers are jumping out of windows, and little old ladies are offering their kidneys for sale to the highest bidder—pretty bleak.
As in all economic environments though, certain sectors of the economy continue to thrive, silver linings stand out against a dark sky, and while it may be too late if you’ve already jumped out of that window and are on the way down (try thinking good thoughts before actually leaping), it may not be too late if you take one last look over your shoulder at the recommendations that follow before stepping off the ledge. What could it hurt? As the vagabond minstrel said, when you ain’t got nothin’, you got nothin’ to lose.
Or maybe you’re just looking for a new line of work and some new thrills (try number 3), a gig that will hold up in any economic environment—after having tried to make a living the old fashioned way for so many years (earning it). We’re not recommending that you give blood for 10 bucks a pop, or sell narcotics—that market is pretty well cornered in these parts anyway. We’re suggesting tried and true respec-table strategies that could add to your net worth, bolster your bottom line, put cash in the bank, and food on the table. And while we cannot guarantee the efficacy of each recommendation (as with all financial advice, forecasted benefits may not be predictors of actual returns), the suggestions that follow may provide, if not an economic stimulus, a stimulating diversion.
TOP TENS WAYS TO BEAT THE RECESSION:
1): Become a Hutterite: What you can’t barter or sell, you can always drink.
2): Start an Investment Bank: Squander billions, take huge bonuses, get a bailout, then do it all over again. You’ll be on easy street.
3): Get into an old time-honored profession, the oldest: You’ll always have work, always be loved, and feel very little stress as you lay back and enjoy life.
4): Become a Big 3 corporate CEO: Drive your shareholder’s company into the ground, fly your private jet to D.C. , then plead with Congress for a $25 billion rescue package with no strings attached. Ahh, the good life.
5): Do like the folks at AIG: Eat, drink, and be merry at fancy resorts for tomorrow you’re pretty certain things will get a lot worse.
6): Get a government job: Enjoy cradle to grave security, make more than the average taxpayer while living off his hard-earned money, and never get fired—unless you happen to work for Park County.
7): Join C.U.T.: An underground hide out and 7 years of food could come in handy right about now.
8): Do what the government does: Borrow, spend like a doped-up rock star, then defer debt to future generations.
9): Leave Livingston or Bozeman: Pack up everything you own, then find a town with more business friendly local government. Havana, maybe.
10): Join a Labor Union: Demand exorbitant wages, cry like a baby so you can get even more exorbitant wages, then demand the American people bailout your employer so you can keep getting those exorbitant wages.
Hope this helps.